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changes & the passing of time

you open up the website, constantly refreshing the page in hopes that something new will pop up. another notification, maybe. and soon enough, you see the little bell icon light up: someone interacted with something you wrote! a whole other, living person! and they liked it! this is what you tell yourself day after day, as the notifications rise slowly but steadily in number. you continue writing posts every week, inspiration coming in a steady flow from the infinite pool of appreciation you have for your followers. your heart swells with pride every time you say, “yes, i have a blog. i write,” and you think about how lucky you are to be able to do something you love and enjoy so much.

but there’s a catch: for every ten nice comments, there’s a nasty one. there’s always someone claiming to know better than you, someone looking to “fix” the way you think, someone wanting to point out all your mistakes. you’re lucky enough to get only a few of such comments, but each one that you get makes you reconsider everything you’re doing. you shake it off, marking the comments as spam and disregarding them as the results of some internet troll with nothing better to do. but there’s still a feeling of uneasiness which is hard to lose completely. 

over time, you lose interest in your writing. you start interacting less with other bloggers, you start spending more time with your friends, more time focusing on school and other projects, and you forget about your blog for a while. and you like it. you think to yourself, “maybe i should take a break from blogging, from the internet.” so you do. you promise to return, and you do that as well – with less enthusiasm than before, but you return nonetheless. it’s only a few weeks before another “break”. somehow, you’ve managed to turn writing – one of the only things you enjoyed doing – into nothing more than a chore. your friends are supporting, sending love and appreciation all throughout, but you can’t help but feel like you’ve let them down. so you force yourself to write more, to churn out as much content as possible, but it just isn’t the same. you find yourself wishing for the times when blogging was something you actively enjoyed. 

Long story short: people change, interests change, and I am a people with interests. Who has changed. (Something that hasn’t changed? My terrible sense of humour and inability to form proper sentences.) I’ve been discovering new things, and liking them – maybe even more than I like blogging now.

[cue dramatic gasp] Yeah, well. I started this blog because I wanted to talk about something I loved; books. And while I still love reading with a passion, it’s taken a bit of a backseat in my life. And I don’t want to force myself to write about something I don’t enjoy as much – that’s an uncomfortable experience for both me and the reader.

So here it is, in all its finality and boldness: I’m going to stop blogging.

I don’t really regret anything about my entire experience so far; I’ve made some amazing friends (hi you yes you I love you), I’ve learnt a lot (how to deal with ignorant pricks), and I’ve improved my writing! But I think I’m done with it, for now. All good things come to an end and all that fancy stuff.

Also, I’m trying this new thing called “loving myself” (sounds a bit weird, like an off-brand dishwasher soap), and it’s actually going pretty great so far? I’m learning how to put my own needs before other’s expectations of me, and while it’s hard, I’m having fun. I’m enjoying myself. You should try it! Do what you want to do because you want to do it, not because you should. (Damn, I could get paid to write those cheesy, motivational greeting cards.)

If you’ve managed to read so far into this post then please know that I love and appreciate you with all my being and you deserve all the good things in the world. (No, I’m not biased.) I still feel like I’m letting everyone down, but my dishwasher soap says that I should believe in myself. So that’s a thing we’re doing, I guess.

love, aris. 💞

(PS: This isn’t the end, it’s just a goodbye.)